Boys N Berries

Its not lost on me that men have such a love for their man parts. Gotta check on them periodically throughout the day. Make sure they are still there. I get it. What I didnt know, was how soon this fascination starts.
My 1 year old has already bonded with his little berries. Every chance he gets he grabs them. Tugs on them and likes to stick things on them. Whatever he has in his hand at the time of a diaper change, he wants to see how it feels on his bitty beads.
Lotion bottle? Hmmm, lets put it on my baby bits. Baby rattle? Put it on my baby bits. Ooooh mommys cell phone? Lets try THAT on my baby bits. Hotwheels, phone charger, sippy cup? You name it. If its in reach and his nethers have been freed from their pamper prison, lets try it out!
It must be some primal instinct. I imagine caveman babies did the same thing. As soon as the cavemommy took off the woolly mammoth loin cloth, the little cavebaby instantly took a cold rock and pressed it on his cavebits.
And so it was, and so it will always be.
And as proud daddies everywhere look on, they will puff up their chests, pound on them and grunt with pride.
Or maybe its just my husband that does that.

Wired

I cant prove it, but I suspect my son has an espresso machine hidden somewhere. My guess is that one of his little wooden trains is a tiny coffee maker. So when I hear his train set going "Puff Puff Wooooo Wooooo" its really just percolating.
I imagine it goes a little something like this:
(Mission Impossible music playing)
4 year old wakes up and sits up in bed, throws his covers off and tip toes to his door. He looks down the hallway and listens. All is quiet. He tip toes back to his bed and opens up his favorite stuffed ducky. (this is why he sleeps with it. It must be close at all times.) He reveals a secret pouch in the ducks belly and produces a small baggie of coffee beans. He closes his eyes and takes a big whiff. Next he goes over to his train set, pours the beans into the smoke stack of a yellow train. He takes the left over water from his sippy cup and pours it in. Then he sends the train off around the track a few times. Puff Puff Puff....Woooooooooo Woooooooo!
While his train is at work, he climbs up to the top bunk and rummages around in the blankets up there and pulls out a beautiful Royal Doulton espresso cup and saucer and climbs back down.
He pours his espresso into the fine china, and sits on the edge of his bed. He crosses one dinosaur pajama leg over the other and sips elegantly. Perhaps he even has a biscotti hidden somewhere that he dips in his drink. When he is done, he returns the cup back to its hiding place and closes up his ducky.
Then he waits.
When he starts to feel the effects kick in, he jumps up and touches he ceiling three times, spins in circles then picks his nose and goes out to wake his parents and start the day.

Them? They're my theme music. Every hero's got to have some.

Anybody remember that movie "Im Gonna Git You Sucka"? I love that movie. They talk about needing theme music. Every hero's got to have some.
Not that Im a hero or anything, but I think the theme song to my life right now would be the theme song to the Benny Hill show.
And put a day in my life on fast forward and it would be 3 minutes of me running around like a spaz chasing kids. Taking the baby off of the kitchen table, getting lunch out of the microwave. Getting the 4 year old to sit down and eat the lunch. Getting the baby off the kitchen table. Turning the TV off so the 4 year old will eat lunch. Letting the dogs out. Getting 4 year old back at the kitchen table. Taking baby off kitchen table. Letting dogs in. Waiting for 4 year old to get out of the bathroom. Getting baby out of the trash can. Wiping 4 year olds butt. Getting baby off the kitchen table.
Add that Benny Hill song and its quite comical.
The same theme song could be used for my alone time with my husband.
No. Im not talking about sex. (though THAT would be funny!)
I mean just being alone with him without the kids.
The stars aligned just right and both kids were in bed at a decent time last night. So I went into the study where my husband hangs out on the computer and we had the first half of about three different conversations. We never get to finish one because we are almost always interrupted multiple times by our children. I think they use echo location, like dolphins and if my husband and I are too close together they sense it and wake up. I bet if I listen really hard, I can hear them clicking in their sleep, trying to determine where I am in the house. Anyways by the time I have settled them back down and returned to the study I have either forgotten what it was I was talking about or have given up on it entirely. Our talks usually go something like this:
So how was your day?
It was good. Today our boss decided that we needed-
(crying from the other room)
Damn, I'll be right back.
(tend to child. return 10 minutes later)
So. I spoke to so and so today, they want to get together this weekend. Did you have any plans?
Um, I dont think so. Oh I wanted-
(4 year old yelling for more water)
Crud. Hold on.
(get 4 year old water and tell him to go to sleep.)
Anyways....where were we? Oh I got your outfit ready for tomorrow. Are you going-
(baby crying)
Shit.
(take care of baby. Return 10 minutes later)
We resort to one word sentences and grunts at this point.
Ok.
Hmmf.
This is fun.
Loads.
Long "standing in a crowded elevator" pause.
Tired?
Yep.
K. Goodnight.
Night.

Yep. That theme music fits perfectly.

Lets Make a Deal

I was warned about the terrible two's. We survived that then we were told its not the two's you need to worry about, its the three's. We picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, armed ourselves with a fresh arsenal of threats, promises and new parenting handbooks and went back to battle.
We fought long and hard to teach you its not okay to "poop on someone" and that just because you say excuse me each time, it doesn't mean we want to hear you burp 38 times in a row. We tried in earnest to remind you to pee IN the toilet, not around it, and its really okay to put your toy down long enough to use the bathroom. We pleaded with you to realize that your hair is not a napkin, your boogers aren't snacks and nothing good ever comes from blowing into your Capri Sun drink pouch.
So now, my sweet sweet boy. We have fulfilled our end of the bargain. We parented you as best we could, kept you alive, only slightly warped you and we have now celebrated your fourth birthday. Terrible two's and even more terrible three's are behind us now.
Its smooth sailing from here right? Anyone? Anyone?
Bueller?
.
.
.
Bueller?

I haven't heard anything about what turning four has to offer. It better be all cupcakes and bunny rabbits.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, then I must be a mother of two desperate for reassurance and willing to believe whatever B.S. someone throws my way in an effort to convince myself that it will get easier.
(I think thats how the saying goes.)

Happy Birthday my amazing little monster.

Thats Wiggety Wack!

For Thanksgiving and Christmas, my husband likes to make his specialty: home made macaroni and cheese. My son absolutely loves it. He calls it Daddy Mac. (which apparently sets it apart from Mommy Mac, which comes in a little blue box with a packet of orange powder) This is great since his current menu has like 4 items on it.
So this afternoon I asked my son if he wanted some macaroni and cheese for lunch. He looks at me and asks, "Is it Daddy Mac?"
I tried to let him down easy. "No, but its the kind in the box in the cabinet that you like to eat. Want me to make that?"
He ponders this for a moment then says, "Um.....I think I'll wait til next Thanksgiving."

*tap*tap* Is this thing on??

So my son is a comedian. He likes to tell jokes. Really funny jokes. Great in both quality AND quantity. And when he gets going, he can tell jokes for hours.
Knee slappers like these:
Have you ever seen a bumblebee on a train with a tree branch underneath?
HAHAHAHA!!
Or:
Have you ever seen a dishwasher with a bowl of poop on top and an elephant sitting on it?
HAHAHAHA!!
Oh and you have to laugh with him or he will just repeat himself over and over until he gets the reaction from you that he wants.
Another great one is:
Have you ever seen a dog on top of a train with a poop (yes, poop again) on it?
HAHAHAHAheheheguguuuuuurg (banging head against wall)

Here, let me try:
Have you ever seen a mom with her hair standing up on end and falling out in clumps with one pupil bigger than the other, scream in octaves only dogs and/or dolphins can understand and leave a giant mom shaped hole in the front door?
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Im serious. Have you?
Watch.

Shining ghosts from Christmas past

I was looking in the mirror brushing my hair this morning and what do I see? Smiling at me, all sparkly and pretty and winking at me like "YooHoo remember me?? Remember what fun we had when I jumped out of my bottle and stuck like krazy glue to the table no matter how much you scrubbed and cursed?"
A piece of glitter.
$#&$ glitter.
It was one tiny square on my face, right below my hair line. Im glad I caught it when I did, because I am fairly certain it had already called upon 40 of his closest friends and they were on their way over to line up there and form a beautiful glittery "L" on my forehead.
%&#$ glitter.