Mission Im-poo-sible

It all started with my cute little child toddling up to me and pointing to his butt and saying "Poo? Poo?" Thats his cute little alarm going off, telling me he stinks and requires my immediate attention. I threw him over my shoulder like I always do when I head to the nursery to change his diaper and laid him down on the changing table.
I have to do everything short of hog tying him to keep his hands out of his own doo, so we are wrestling and I get the dirty diaper off and think I have him cleaned up and then when I lift his legs up to put the new diaper on, I see a whole new mess now being ground into the changing table cover and up his back.
ACK!
I pick him up and clean him and set him down to run naked for a minute while I clean up the mess on the table. No sooner had I stripped the changing pad cover when my 4 year old comes down the hallway.
"Mommy! What is this? What did he do?? What is this?"
And I see my son in the doorway with BOTH of his hands covered in poop. It looked like he had been fingerpainting.
I gasped in horror and told him "DONT MOVE!" and grabbed his arms and guided him straight to the sink and as Im scrubbing his hands, he is explaining that theres more on the floor and on his baby brothers car in the living room.
Really? How the hell did this happen? There was no indication that the diaper boarders had been breached. No smears down the leg, no doo on the top of his shorts.
I went out into the living room and sure as shit (pun intended) there's a glob of doo dripping down the side of a toy car and another little dollop on the ground.
I cleaned up the mess and kept trying to figure out what exactly just went down.
Im still baffled.

Stiff drink please.

"Mommy, where did Daddy go?"
"He went to get himself a sandwich."
"But where?"
"He went to a place called Subway."
"Where?"
"SUBWAY."
"Is it called Chilis?"
"No, its called SUUUUUUUBWAAAAAAAAY."
"Do they have cannon balls?"
"No"
"I wish I had a cannon ball."

(Me too son, Id drop it on my head about now. It would be less painful than this conversation.)

How to Build a Bomb

Heres all you need:
1. A hot ass day
2. One small family room equipped with substandard air conditioning
3. Two small wired and bored children
4. Remove one father who is on the lake with a friend in a brand new ski boat and add one grumpy mom who is jealous and hating on removed father.
5. Throw in one toy that both kids want
AND RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Mighty (long) Wind

Today we picked up my husband from the airport, and on the way my 4 year old asked me, "Mommy, why do cars have horns?"
My first thought was "It gets the attention of the a-hole who just cut me off so I can flip him the bird."
But seeing as how this was a small child (who I just finished writing about his innocence) I decided on a more appropriate answer. I explained that horns are good for alerting someone when they accidentally drive too close. I added that its also good for when the light turns green but the person in front of you isnt paying attention and wont move. You can honk the horn and let them know the light turned green and they need to get going.
He was quiet for a second and then said "That was a really long story."

Thanks, son.

After we picked my husband up, I told him what our son said about my not-long-at-all-thank-you-very-much explanation of the use of horns, and he looks back at him and says "Get used to it, son. She's got all kinds of long stories to tell you."

Thanks, honey.
Grumble.
Yo! Ive got something to show you! *whack!*

Forgive me while I get mushy

I was sitting here this afternoon listening to my son explain to me how mixing apple juice with orange juice will turn it into cherry limeade and as often happens when his stories spin out of control and he begins to lose his direction and start making up words, I wandered deep into my head.
I was watching his grand gestures and big eyes trying hard to convince me to let him mix the juice together and I couldnt help but admire his innocence. He is nothing more than a kid. He cant see beyond the moment he is in.
Whereas Ive watched more CNN and Nancy Grace than any human ever should, he knows only that Mickey Mouse can solve any problem with his Mouseketools. He gets excited when junk mail comes in that has a sticker inside. It could be a ladybug sticker, or it could be a free magazine offer sticker, but if it sticks, then its a present from the mailman worthy of an excited smile. Simple things like eating lunch in the backyard and decorating a card for Daddy are done with such happiness.
Im the over informed grumpy parent whose job it is to protect her offspring, and foresee any potential dangers that lurk with every move we make. My offspring however leap without looking and go headfirst into any and everything with out a care in the world.
Its really a neat thing to watch. I admire him for that.
And more than ever want to get that human sized hamster ball to keep him in forever so he will always make cherry limeade out of apple juice.

More lunchtime chit chat

(My 4 year old is observing me addressing my youngest who just chucked his pizza onto the floor)
"Honey, please don't throw your food."
"Why did you just call him honey?"
"I call all of you honey. I call you honey, I call him honey and I call Daddy honey."
"You do not call Daddy honey!"
"I don't?"
"No! You say 'Yo!' and he says 'What do you want?' and then you say 'Come here I want to show you something!'"

At this point I'm envisioning myself sitting on the couch with a beer in one hand and a big stick in the other.
Yo! I wanna show you something!....WHACK!


*For the record, I do not call out to my husband by yelling "Yo." So if you too had envisioned me sitting on the couch with a big stick and had your phone in hand with the C and the P already dialed and just waiting to finish reading this before dialing the S, be rest assured that is not how it is. I don't even own a big stick.

Aint No Mountain High Enough....

My son threw me a curve ball this evening when he asked me, "Can you, uh.....pee on a mountain?"
Sure thing. Right after I get done defecating on that bird over there I'll go tinkle on a hillside. Anything for my baby.