Cheese Balls

I am sitting here at the computer and my 4 year old is supposed to be at the kitchen table finishing his grilled cheese sandwich.
(I abandoned him 10 minutes ago after the rest of us ate our lunch and he was too busy playing and hopping all over. So he is on his own in there.)
He pokes his head around the corner and being the charmer that he is, he winks at me.
I ask, "Are you done with your lunch?"
He emerges from behind the wall and says "Yep! All done!" But he pauses to see if I'm buying his story.
I am not.
"Why do I not believe you? Go finish your lunch."
"Oh you believe it! I am done!"
(now he is standing there holding his crotch.)
"Do you need to go potty?"
"No."
"Then why are you holding yourself?"
He puts his arms up in the air and with a big grin he exclaims "Because I like to do that!"
Ok, that I believe.

Theres no such thing as a "Toll-Free Call"....

It will cost you 5 minutes of clean up for every one minute of talk time in our house. This is just another example of why email and texting are my top forms of communication as of late.

....please stand by....

I remember years ago, my best friend and I went to an amusement park. It must have been an off day, since at some point it seemed that all the rides were shut down temporarily. We would get to the front turnstalls and we would hear the announcement over the loud speaker, "We are experiencing technical difficulties." We heard that damn saying so much that day.
Technical difficulties, technical difficulties, technical difficulties....we started to make fun of them.
Technical difficulites? Testicle diffniculties? Teffinal dickniculties?
We still managed to have alot of fun that day. Mostly doing stupid stuff like making fun of the testical diffniculties. I still laugh about that. Maybe you had to be there. (giggle)

My point? Sometimes my everyday adventures with my offspring just scream to be turned into some sort of funny tale. Its like their antics are almost scripted and its too easy to write down. Other days, my mind is fried and its all I can do to form sentences that make sense.

Today, in a matter of minutes I went from having two fully dressed kids, to one missing his shirt because he spit out his chocolate milk, and the other stripped to his skivvies after he dumped over his cup of chocolate milk. After cleaning up that mess I met my youngest in the living room just as he jammed a train track part a little too far into his mouth and threw up on himself.

Im sure theres humor to be found in this, but the 'ol gray matter isnt up to the challenge at the moment. In fact all the 'ol gray matter wants to do at this point is crawl up on the roof, drink beer and maybe throw rocks at squirrels.
So please stand by as I am having some serious testicle diffniculties.

El Pollo Loco

My kid is seriously crazy. He comes up with the most random things to talk about. Well random, but with one thing in common: poop. Every conversation we have has something to do with poop. Im just going to type here the next thing he says:

Can you poop on a chicken?

(see? he's nuts.)

Earlier he ran from his room and said "Mom! Listen! Im going to say something in spanish! "mococheecho" and ran away. When I asked him what that meant, he said its Spanish in California.
Huh?

He just asked me again if I can poop on a chicken, and then licked my arm.

Help me.

Stargate

My computer chair. Once my comfy little niche in the family room where I could keep an eye on the kids and surf the internet has now become the bane of my existence. It is no longer my chair. It is my child's portal into a bright new world full of wonderful shiny new things he has eyeballed for an eternity but until recently was unable to reach.
Every time, and I mean every single time without fail, I get up from the chair, he runs to it and climbs up and in a matter of seconds is on top of the computer desk, phone in hand, frantically pushing as many buttons as his pudgy little fingers can before I come running back to spoil the fun.
Can I tell you how much fun it is to either wheel my chair with me into the kitchen to refill my coffee, or better yet wheel it out into the hallway and put up the baby gate, so I can unload the dishwasher?
Good times.
I let my guard down once and didn't secure the area before leaving to get dressed.
(and seeing as how I never go anywhere, we're talking jeans, t-shirt, and a ponytail. So 3 minutes tops?)
When I returned, I find the baby kneeling on the computer desk calling #9, various DVD's scattered on the ground and my 4 year old reaping the benefits of the treasures raining down and smearing my hand cream in his hair.

Im on my knees in front of the computer typing this, my chair sitting in its hallway prison, doing time for being just too damn convenient.
Good times I tell ya.

French Toast; turn left in 2.5 miles

I made French toast this morning. After I had a sizable stack on the plate, I began my race to get the kids set up with food and still have time to eat breakfast myself.
(if the timing is off, the baby is done eating just as I sit down and he wants out of the high chair, and then wants to hang on my arm and make it extremely difficult to finish my meal)
So Ive got one scarfing food in the high chair, and one sitting/standing/playing/dancing at the table next to me.
My oldest cant just sit and eat. I think its physically impossible for his little body to sit still long enough to eat a piece of French toast.
Thats one slice of bread.
After 10 minutes when everyone else is finished eating and he still has a whole piece of toast there, minus one pitiful nibble, I mumbled "Seriously. You cant sit and eat your breakfast? Do you have ADD?"
And he stops dancing, looks up at me and says, "No! Ive got GPS!"

Happy Easter!

In Dr. Evil's secret lair......

Okay, okay, settle down now. Can I have your attention please? Please, settle down. Can we get started now?
Ive called you all here this afternoon to-what is it? Yes, yes I know theres only one of you here. Just let me do this alright?
Ive called you all here today to discuss a new strategy to drive Mom crazy. It seems she is adapting to our current routine and we are no longer getting the desired results. Ive got a few-yes, what is it now?
No, you cant go-fine. Fine. Go poopoo. Hurry.
(waiting)
Ok, can I continue now?
Wait, you stink now. Go stand over there. Further. Over there! Thanks.
Where was I? Oh yes, we need to develop new ideas to annoy, enrage and ultimately conquer Mom. Any ideas?
Yes you. What have you got?
(listening)
Thats a wonderful idea! You cry every time she tries to set you down. No matter what. Cry. And whine. She loves the whining.
What I plan on doing is taking my incessant questions up a notch. Im going to ask her to look at my firetruck. Then Im going to ask her to look at it again. Then again. After that Im going to ask her if she can do this.
(twisting arms like a pretzel)
Then Im gonna ask her if she can do this next.
(sticking butt in the air)
Then when I see the vein in her forehead start to pulse, I'm going to ask her if she can look at me eighteen times and then when she glares at me I will ask her if she can do this.
(one leg up and winking and hopping)
Im going to need your help on this next part. While I am asking her these questions, is it possible for you to jump up and down and throw a fit because you cant open the top on a toy?
You can? Great.
Ok. This is good. Really good.
Yes? You want us to fight?
Awesome. I think she would really like that. I'll tell you what. Im going to get my toy train and leave it on the floor for 2 days and not play with it. Then you come in and pick it up and I will jump up and snatch it from you and say I was playing with it. Then you cry and I will growl at you, alright?
Okay then, I think we've got a great start here. Lets get this plan in motion. Mom is going to love this. Do me a favor and get the meeting minutes on my bunk bed ASAP. Thanks. Meeting adjourned.

A Real Happy Meal

We got brave today and decided to take the kids out to eat. And not to one of those places with plastic benches, obnoxious music and seizure inducing wild print carpet meant to hide vomit and their own set of health codes that allow them to operate with high levels of fecal and bacterial contamination.

No, an actual restaurant.

And considering all I had for entertainment for them was a box of chalk and one plastic phone, they did extremely well. We did not one time call attention to ourselves or have to run to the bathroom to hide, clean or cry.

Oh, and I got to drink an alcoholic beverage, which of course makes any outing with the kids that more enjoyable.

Pecker

This afternoon I took the boys to the duck pond so they could feed the ducks.
(And get jumped by the aggressive geese and mugged by the seagulls.)
When we were done we were walking over to the park to play and we spotted a bird sitting on the edge of the pond. He asked me if the bird was a woodpecker.
"It could be a woodpecker, I'm not sure."
"I think it IS a woodpecker. Is its beak long?"
"Well, it looks kind of long."
"Is its beak sharp?"
"It does look pretty sharp. I think it would hurt if it pecked you."
"I think it is a woodpecker then. But I'm not wood. My tummy is all soft, so it wouldn't peck me. Its not a soft tummy pecker."
I love how this kid thinks.

Fool

"Look! The light bulbs burned out! They are black! And orange!! LOOK! Haha! I April fooled you!"
"I'm gonna April fool you again! Mom! Look at my banana! Its all waggly and orange!"
"Mom! Theres a spider on your head! LOOK YOU HAVE A BUG ON YOUR HEAD! Haha! April fooled ya!"
"Ooh, the slide is pink!"
"Look, you're standing on a pink floor! April Fooled ya!"
"Look Mom! You have a fly on your head, its eating your head! April fooled you again!"
"Mom! MOM! Im going to fool you again!! Look you have a spatula on your head! Its cooking eggs on your head! On a hot stove!! LOOK! Fooled you!!"

Ahh.... Its been a fun day of clever trickery.